Not only am I growing at a very rapid pace (even though it is supposed to be a joyous occasion I can't help notice places that shouldn't be growing) but my life is changing in many different ways. I started thinking today about how nice it has been the last couple of weeks. I have had spare time to clean things that have been on my list for a while, shop, and catch up on T.V. shows..as I was taking my sweet time getting ready today the future started to really hit me. Starting Monday my life will be a whirlwind. I start the nursing program and that will take up all of my time..Before I know it I will have a baby and that will take up all of my time until I go back to the nursing program. At that time I will be attempting school and a baby and I can only imagine how that is going to go. After school comes the career I have dreamed about for a while.
It all starts to feel like too much and I just when I realize I have forgotten to take a breath for 2 minutes I remember one thing...I am not the only person who has done this before. There are many students that are parents, and many people with careers and babies. After lots of hard work I will be fulfilled because I will have my family AND a career...Ahhh....it will be worth it.
I am surprised at the comments I get. It is almost like people are daring me to fail. Of course I have no idea how to be a parent and go to school, but I am going to do it. I have the will and determination and that is all I need. Lately, when I seem to be getting the "just wait until you are a parent speech." Thanks for all those comments. You don't think that when I see a kid in a grocery store throwing a fit that I think about myself in that position? WRONG!! I think about it all the time. I actually dwell on it sometimes and it freaks me out..Trust me I do think about how hard it is and NO I do not judge you when your kid acts up. Just because I don't have any kids right now doesn't mean that your kid annoys me and in fact it offends me to think that you think of me that way.
I guess part of me thought I would get more encouragement but I seem to mainly hear about how HARD it is going to be. I would rather hear how good you feel at the end of the day. I figure many people think that if they don't warn me I will regret my decision or something. I do have a clue about the hard part because I have a step child, but I am now looking forward to experiencing the good along with the bad, the joys and the pains..
So enough about that. More on baby stuff. So, our spare room is getting cleaned out and slowly, and I mean slowly, preparing to become a baby room. I currently use the room as my closet and computer room and cannot even fathom where all of my clothes and our desk and computer are going to go. I am hoping that one day everything will "poof" be ready but that is just dreaming. I find out the sex of the baby in about 3-4 weeks. I cannot wait!! At that point it will become a he/she instead of an it and I will be that much closer to feeling like a mommy.
I still can barely stand the smell/taste of meat, but at least now I can be in the general area without feeling like I am going to pass out.
I have had major headaches that just won't go away. Many people say it is from the extra hormones. I have done everything that has been suggested and they are still there so I think they may be right.
Also, for an update on my previous blog about my progesterone issues: I went to a new OB and she took me off all the progesterone pills and cream! I have been off of it all for over 2 weeks and everything seems to be just fine. What a relief to be done with that drama :)
I hope to keep this blog up to date during my schooling. I am pretty nervous and excited to start. I am at the point where everything is ready and I just want to start. My next appt is a week from Monday so I will try and blog at that time!
Happy Spring Everyone.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Oh Boy!!
So from the beginning I have thought that I am pregnant with a boy. No, I do not know yet what I am having....
I have always imagined myself with a little girl and nothing else. There isn't really an explanation for it except that maybe the fact that I grew up with two younger sisters.
The more I thought about it the more I realize that maybe I need a boy to change my current thinking about having a son.
This is a blog so I will just be honest. I have a step-son and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I think my mind has been tainted with what little boys are really like because of the experiences I have had so far. I don't really expect anyone to understand nor do people's opinions matter unless they have been in my shoes. I have this "son" who already has a mother and my husband is his father. I want to feel what my husband feels towards him, but because he isn't my son I just don't. I know that will never change but I am constantly at odds with myself when he is around. Part of me feels like giving up most of the time, and the other part of me is mad at the way I am feeling. It is....hands down....the hardest thing I have ever done.
Because of that situation I think am stand-off-ish about having a boy. I am already the only girl in our house (dog included) and I just think it would be neat to have a girl running around here.
After thinking and really trying to understand what my fears are about having a boy, I realized that I was just overthinking the situation. Having a child of my own is going to be very different in so many ways. I will be able to share the love of something with my husband and I think that will make all of the difference in the world. Having a boy or girl doesn't really matter because It will be part me and part Jeremy and everything about it will be much different.
If only I didn't have to wait over 4 weeks to find out!!
I have always imagined myself with a little girl and nothing else. There isn't really an explanation for it except that maybe the fact that I grew up with two younger sisters.
The more I thought about it the more I realize that maybe I need a boy to change my current thinking about having a son.
This is a blog so I will just be honest. I have a step-son and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I think my mind has been tainted with what little boys are really like because of the experiences I have had so far. I don't really expect anyone to understand nor do people's opinions matter unless they have been in my shoes. I have this "son" who already has a mother and my husband is his father. I want to feel what my husband feels towards him, but because he isn't my son I just don't. I know that will never change but I am constantly at odds with myself when he is around. Part of me feels like giving up most of the time, and the other part of me is mad at the way I am feeling. It is....hands down....the hardest thing I have ever done.
Because of that situation I think am stand-off-ish about having a boy. I am already the only girl in our house (dog included) and I just think it would be neat to have a girl running around here.
After thinking and really trying to understand what my fears are about having a boy, I realized that I was just overthinking the situation. Having a child of my own is going to be very different in so many ways. I will be able to share the love of something with my husband and I think that will make all of the difference in the world. Having a boy or girl doesn't really matter because It will be part me and part Jeremy and everything about it will be much different.
If only I didn't have to wait over 4 weeks to find out!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Problems already??
At my 6 week appointment my OB noticed that my progesterone levels were dropping. She didn't have much hope for my baby and me at that point. She gave me an RX for a cream to raise my levels and told me to watch out for bleeding and sent me on my way.
Watch out for bleeding?!? What in the crap does that even mean? I looked at her with despair and said, "Does that mean I am going to have a miscarriage?" She told me that she was just going to be honest with me and let me know that a drop in progesterone usually is your body's way of "letting go" of the baby.
I was absolutely crushed as I left and cried all the way to the pharmacy. I was in total shock...I took my cream and faithfully applied it twice a day as commanded. I also got a hold of some friends and asked them to pray for my little baby and my body. For some reason my body isn't making enough hormones to keep the baby in place but I know that faith and prayer is bigger than a stupid blood test.
I continued to worry and take my cream every day. I went back for a blood test and the report wasn't good. My blood hasn't dropped but it isn't going up enough. I needed to know double my current dosage.
At that point I also had my first real U/S. I went into the clinic on an emergency basis and was filled with excitement to see a picture of my baby. The Radiology tech was advised of the worst and wouldn't tell me anything. She kept to herself as small flashes of my baby popped up on the screen. I could see it but I couldn't see a heartbeat. I asked her questions but she told me she was not allowed to tell me and that my doc would call me later. She took about a thousand pictures of what seemed like every internal organ until....finally she started with the baby. She zoomed in and I saw the greatest thing...a little heart beating on the screen. Well, I am not a dummy and I watched as she measured and counted the heartbeat...HA! I saw that my baby was measuring ahead of schedule AND the heartbeat was normal and even a little high. I was beaming inside and secretly thought about punching the tech (lets just call that crazy hormones) right in the eye. Finally she offered me a picture. She said that she has had many experiences where the girl has wanted a picture but the baby had no heartbeat. She gave me a picture and said, "I wouldn't be giving this to you if there were any problems with your baby." Phew!!! I sort of wanted to take back my visual of punching her but I also knew that she made me worry for no reason so I left my visual right where it was.
Days went by and my hormone levels were actually going up! I was constantly having emotional highs and lows from all these blood tests and it was wearing me down..
The last blood test last week was back to bad news. Even with the increase of dosage my body was not responding to the hormone cream. My OB prescribed me something called Prometrium and I had to rush to the pharmacy to get it. After many of hundreds of dollar pharmacy stops I was getting tired. This is ridiculous! I don't want to continue hearing bad news. My OB sent me back to the clinic for another U/S to make sure baby bean was growing.
This was last Thursday. I was given a late appt. which meant that Jeremy could come with me. I was very glad because regardless of what they saw, I wasn't alone this time. Being the woman in this situation has left me feeling alone and a lot like a failure. I am the one that is responsible for growing our baby the right way. I have been doing everything that all the books say and still...I am failing. I just can't help feeling like I am a bad mother already! Why can't my stupid body just be normal!?!
As we waited for our appointment I was filled with anxiety. I was trying to play it cool but I was literally shaking. Next to me was my handsome husband who is as optimistic as anyone I have ever met! He looked so calm while I sat there shaking. I looked at him with raging hormones and said, "Why aren't you worried?!?!?!?" He looked at me and smiled and said, "Because there isn't anything wrong. I am excited to see our baby. Now, can I get back to reading this good article on the financial state of China?"
I am being serious. That is what he said. I contemplated another vision of myself and my punching skills but I decided that what he said just had to be true. Obviously I have made it past 11 weeks without bleeding or cramping or even the faintest sign of a miscarriage. I should adopt his attitude. I tried my hardest to think like my amazing husband and I said a little prayer.
Dear God,
I am not sure If I can handle anymore bad news. These rollercoaster emotions are wearing me down. Please just let this be THE appointment that either eases my mind, or confirms that things aren't going to continue. I need to know the truth.
Jessi
Just then we were called back by none other than a cute pregnant girl! My heart jumped a little! She can relate! Maybe she will be a little nicer and give me a better experience than the last time.
Well, I was right. She was awesome! She got right to the point and zoomed in on my baby. What we saw finally gave me the answers that I needed. There was my baby...AND..it was moving around soo much she could barely get a picture. My cute little baby had arms and legs and was swimming around like a hyper little human. I kept laughing because it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. The little legs would push off the side of my uterus and swim all over. You could see the little feet clear as day. A fat little body with tiny arms and legs and they were moving all over! I was shocked! I asked her if it was normal that babies move around at this age and the tech was smiling and just assured me that it is perfectly normal. She said that I had an active one on my hands and that that is very good news...I just knew that everything was going to be okay. How could it not be. My baby was having the time of its life inside me and here I was thinking that I was going to lose it.
Needless to say I have switched Dr.'s and cannot wait to see someone else. Anytime I feel scared or down I just think of that appointment and how much joy this little thing that I haven't met has already brought me. I am soo in love with my baby and I cannot wait to meet him/her in September.
As for my hormone levels...I do not know if the prometrium is working yet. I have my next appt. in one week from today and I do not want to worry about it. I am doing everything I can and that is all that I can do. I have faith that my body will start to behave and everything will be just fine.
I am 12 weeks today and this is the day I have been waiting for. All the books that I have read and people I have talked to have told me that once you hit the 12 week mark and have heard a heartbeat..your chance of anything going wrong goes under 1%. Those are pretty good odds if you ask me :)
Watch out for bleeding?!? What in the crap does that even mean? I looked at her with despair and said, "Does that mean I am going to have a miscarriage?" She told me that she was just going to be honest with me and let me know that a drop in progesterone usually is your body's way of "letting go" of the baby.
I was absolutely crushed as I left and cried all the way to the pharmacy. I was in total shock...I took my cream and faithfully applied it twice a day as commanded. I also got a hold of some friends and asked them to pray for my little baby and my body. For some reason my body isn't making enough hormones to keep the baby in place but I know that faith and prayer is bigger than a stupid blood test.
I continued to worry and take my cream every day. I went back for a blood test and the report wasn't good. My blood hasn't dropped but it isn't going up enough. I needed to know double my current dosage.
At that point I also had my first real U/S. I went into the clinic on an emergency basis and was filled with excitement to see a picture of my baby. The Radiology tech was advised of the worst and wouldn't tell me anything. She kept to herself as small flashes of my baby popped up on the screen. I could see it but I couldn't see a heartbeat. I asked her questions but she told me she was not allowed to tell me and that my doc would call me later. She took about a thousand pictures of what seemed like every internal organ until....finally she started with the baby. She zoomed in and I saw the greatest thing...a little heart beating on the screen. Well, I am not a dummy and I watched as she measured and counted the heartbeat...HA! I saw that my baby was measuring ahead of schedule AND the heartbeat was normal and even a little high. I was beaming inside and secretly thought about punching the tech (lets just call that crazy hormones) right in the eye. Finally she offered me a picture. She said that she has had many experiences where the girl has wanted a picture but the baby had no heartbeat. She gave me a picture and said, "I wouldn't be giving this to you if there were any problems with your baby." Phew!!! I sort of wanted to take back my visual of punching her but I also knew that she made me worry for no reason so I left my visual right where it was.
Days went by and my hormone levels were actually going up! I was constantly having emotional highs and lows from all these blood tests and it was wearing me down..
The last blood test last week was back to bad news. Even with the increase of dosage my body was not responding to the hormone cream. My OB prescribed me something called Prometrium and I had to rush to the pharmacy to get it. After many of hundreds of dollar pharmacy stops I was getting tired. This is ridiculous! I don't want to continue hearing bad news. My OB sent me back to the clinic for another U/S to make sure baby bean was growing.
This was last Thursday. I was given a late appt. which meant that Jeremy could come with me. I was very glad because regardless of what they saw, I wasn't alone this time. Being the woman in this situation has left me feeling alone and a lot like a failure. I am the one that is responsible for growing our baby the right way. I have been doing everything that all the books say and still...I am failing. I just can't help feeling like I am a bad mother already! Why can't my stupid body just be normal!?!
As we waited for our appointment I was filled with anxiety. I was trying to play it cool but I was literally shaking. Next to me was my handsome husband who is as optimistic as anyone I have ever met! He looked so calm while I sat there shaking. I looked at him with raging hormones and said, "Why aren't you worried?!?!?!?" He looked at me and smiled and said, "Because there isn't anything wrong. I am excited to see our baby. Now, can I get back to reading this good article on the financial state of China?"
I am being serious. That is what he said. I contemplated another vision of myself and my punching skills but I decided that what he said just had to be true. Obviously I have made it past 11 weeks without bleeding or cramping or even the faintest sign of a miscarriage. I should adopt his attitude. I tried my hardest to think like my amazing husband and I said a little prayer.
Dear God,
I am not sure If I can handle anymore bad news. These rollercoaster emotions are wearing me down. Please just let this be THE appointment that either eases my mind, or confirms that things aren't going to continue. I need to know the truth.
Jessi
Just then we were called back by none other than a cute pregnant girl! My heart jumped a little! She can relate! Maybe she will be a little nicer and give me a better experience than the last time.
Well, I was right. She was awesome! She got right to the point and zoomed in on my baby. What we saw finally gave me the answers that I needed. There was my baby...AND..it was moving around soo much she could barely get a picture. My cute little baby had arms and legs and was swimming around like a hyper little human. I kept laughing because it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. The little legs would push off the side of my uterus and swim all over. You could see the little feet clear as day. A fat little body with tiny arms and legs and they were moving all over! I was shocked! I asked her if it was normal that babies move around at this age and the tech was smiling and just assured me that it is perfectly normal. She said that I had an active one on my hands and that that is very good news...I just knew that everything was going to be okay. How could it not be. My baby was having the time of its life inside me and here I was thinking that I was going to lose it.
Needless to say I have switched Dr.'s and cannot wait to see someone else. Anytime I feel scared or down I just think of that appointment and how much joy this little thing that I haven't met has already brought me. I am soo in love with my baby and I cannot wait to meet him/her in September.
As for my hormone levels...I do not know if the prometrium is working yet. I have my next appt. in one week from today and I do not want to worry about it. I am doing everything I can and that is all that I can do. I have faith that my body will start to behave and everything will be just fine.
I am 12 weeks today and this is the day I have been waiting for. All the books that I have read and people I have talked to have told me that once you hit the 12 week mark and have heard a heartbeat..your chance of anything going wrong goes under 1%. Those are pretty good odds if you ask me :)
I am what!?!
The date was January 15th and my Jeremy had just taken off for the weekend to go wheeling in Oregon. I was bored and messing around on the Trying to Conceive board on BabyCenter.com. I started reading all of these stories from women who just found out they were pregnant. My eyes filled with tears and I stopped dead in my tracks...wait a minute...where is MY period...
Okay Okay...let me back up here a minute...
Let me start from the beginning. Jeremy and I had made a life changing decision in June of 2009. We started to feel as if something was missing from our lives. Most of our friends and family had started families and we could see how much it changed their lives...in a good way...
After a very long discussion and an IUD removal that could go down in history as the most dramatic scene in history (a story for another day) we were on our way to start a family. The first month of trying and nothing happening I was a wreck!! We had unprotected sex all month and I didn't get pregnant?? How could that be?
I decided that we just needed to "try harder". After the 3rd month of trying and nothing happening I went to the Dr. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong with me and that I was a failure. My OB kind of laughed at me as I laid out the details of the last three months and how hard we were trying. I told her to bring out the big guns and test for everything! I just knew I was broken. After my dramatic layout of my long and hard journey, she looked at me with a half smile and said..."Come back in 9 months if you still aren't pregnant." I was very shocked and annoyed...9 months...9 months!! I can't wait that long. I have plans!!
She gently explained to me that it takes most couples an average of 6 months to conceive and that after a year of trying with no luck they would then start the tests.
Well just to humor me she took a blood test and sent me on my way. The results showed that my progesterone level (a hormone that aids in fertility and also the upkeep of pregnancy) was low but not low enough to panic just yet..
Well fall went by and I started to feel like a complete failure. I got online and read up on everything I could on fertility and decided I would take matters in my own hands. I used thermometers, vitamins, calendars, ect..and things started to go downhill. Jeremy thought I had lost my mind and refused to even try when I was acting "so crazy" and I really knew in my heart that God didn't want me to be a mother.
December came and I was finally allowed to apply for the Spring Start 2010 nursing program. Jeremy and I had a few long talks and decided to change our plans a little bit. We would wait until June to try again if I did indeed get accepted into the program. I wasn't going to take any birth control but we would just try schedule intimacy around certain weeks on the calendar.
I felt pretty confident that I knew what days I was most fertile (even though I still hadn't conceived yet) and we went on with our lives.
Christmas came and went and I was frantically checking my mailbox everyday for my Nursing acceptance or denial letter. Days and Days went by and still nothing...
I had heard rumors of girls getting denial letters already and yet my mailbox was still empty..
January 12th came and I had the worst cramps in the world. I wasn't too disappointed this month because we weren't really trying anymore so my stupid period wasn't going to get me down! I took some medicine and went on with my life. January 15th was a Friday and Jeremy was headed off to Oregon with some friends of his to go wheeling. After he left I was really bored so I went on to talk to some of my friends on the Trying To Conceive board on Baby Center. So many girls were announcing that they took pregnancy tests that day and were rejoicing with their good news of being pregnant. As I congratulated them I started to realize that my evil monthly curse hadn't arrived yet...hmmmm...that is weird...I started to count the days and realized that I was due today! I didn't put to much thought into it because tomorrow was just around the corner and I figured I would for sure start. I kept on talking to the ladies online and started to just "have a feeling" that I needed to go get a test. My whole body was shaking and I was sweaty and nervous. I went to Target and everything started to blur. I remember picking up a test that showed 2 lines for pregnant and I walked away. I stopped when I got to the counter and turned around..that wasn't going to be good enough. I wanted one that said the words..PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to be 100% sure even though I had a feeling I already knew.
Got home, took the test and my stomach was in knots! I stared at the test without blinking for what seemed like an hour even though it must have been under a minute..Then...It happened. My life changed forever.. PREGNANT. My eyes filled with tears and then I laughed...followed by more tears..
I called Jeremy and he was very shocked. He congratulated us and I hung up to let it sink in..
The next day my acceptance letter came in the mail and I am starting the Nursing Program April 5th. The timing wasn't perfect but at the same time when would it have been?
I still can't believe my own ears when I say that I am going to be a mom...
I am having a baby. WOW! I AM HAVING A BABY!!!
Please join me on my rollercoaster of emotion, hormone filled, crazy journey of pregnancy.
I will do my best to update as much as possible...
Okay Okay...let me back up here a minute...
Let me start from the beginning. Jeremy and I had made a life changing decision in June of 2009. We started to feel as if something was missing from our lives. Most of our friends and family had started families and we could see how much it changed their lives...in a good way...
After a very long discussion and an IUD removal that could go down in history as the most dramatic scene in history (a story for another day) we were on our way to start a family. The first month of trying and nothing happening I was a wreck!! We had unprotected sex all month and I didn't get pregnant?? How could that be?
I decided that we just needed to "try harder". After the 3rd month of trying and nothing happening I went to the Dr. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong with me and that I was a failure. My OB kind of laughed at me as I laid out the details of the last three months and how hard we were trying. I told her to bring out the big guns and test for everything! I just knew I was broken. After my dramatic layout of my long and hard journey, she looked at me with a half smile and said..."Come back in 9 months if you still aren't pregnant." I was very shocked and annoyed...9 months...9 months!! I can't wait that long. I have plans!!
She gently explained to me that it takes most couples an average of 6 months to conceive and that after a year of trying with no luck they would then start the tests.
Well just to humor me she took a blood test and sent me on my way. The results showed that my progesterone level (a hormone that aids in fertility and also the upkeep of pregnancy) was low but not low enough to panic just yet..
Well fall went by and I started to feel like a complete failure. I got online and read up on everything I could on fertility and decided I would take matters in my own hands. I used thermometers, vitamins, calendars, ect..and things started to go downhill. Jeremy thought I had lost my mind and refused to even try when I was acting "so crazy" and I really knew in my heart that God didn't want me to be a mother.
December came and I was finally allowed to apply for the Spring Start 2010 nursing program. Jeremy and I had a few long talks and decided to change our plans a little bit. We would wait until June to try again if I did indeed get accepted into the program. I wasn't going to take any birth control but we would just try schedule intimacy around certain weeks on the calendar.
I felt pretty confident that I knew what days I was most fertile (even though I still hadn't conceived yet) and we went on with our lives.
Christmas came and went and I was frantically checking my mailbox everyday for my Nursing acceptance or denial letter. Days and Days went by and still nothing...
I had heard rumors of girls getting denial letters already and yet my mailbox was still empty..
January 12th came and I had the worst cramps in the world. I wasn't too disappointed this month because we weren't really trying anymore so my stupid period wasn't going to get me down! I took some medicine and went on with my life. January 15th was a Friday and Jeremy was headed off to Oregon with some friends of his to go wheeling. After he left I was really bored so I went on to talk to some of my friends on the Trying To Conceive board on Baby Center. So many girls were announcing that they took pregnancy tests that day and were rejoicing with their good news of being pregnant. As I congratulated them I started to realize that my evil monthly curse hadn't arrived yet...hmmmm...that is weird...I started to count the days and realized that I was due today! I didn't put to much thought into it because tomorrow was just around the corner and I figured I would for sure start. I kept on talking to the ladies online and started to just "have a feeling" that I needed to go get a test. My whole body was shaking and I was sweaty and nervous. I went to Target and everything started to blur. I remember picking up a test that showed 2 lines for pregnant and I walked away. I stopped when I got to the counter and turned around..that wasn't going to be good enough. I wanted one that said the words..PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to be 100% sure even though I had a feeling I already knew.
Got home, took the test and my stomach was in knots! I stared at the test without blinking for what seemed like an hour even though it must have been under a minute..Then...It happened. My life changed forever.. PREGNANT. My eyes filled with tears and then I laughed...followed by more tears..
I called Jeremy and he was very shocked. He congratulated us and I hung up to let it sink in..
The next day my acceptance letter came in the mail and I am starting the Nursing Program April 5th. The timing wasn't perfect but at the same time when would it have been?
I still can't believe my own ears when I say that I am going to be a mom...
I am having a baby. WOW! I AM HAVING A BABY!!!
Please join me on my rollercoaster of emotion, hormone filled, crazy journey of pregnancy.
I will do my best to update as much as possible...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
