So from the beginning I have thought that I am pregnant with a boy. No, I do not know yet what I am having....
I have always imagined myself with a little girl and nothing else. There isn't really an explanation for it except that maybe the fact that I grew up with two younger sisters.
The more I thought about it the more I realize that maybe I need a boy to change my current thinking about having a son.
This is a blog so I will just be honest. I have a step-son and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I think my mind has been tainted with what little boys are really like because of the experiences I have had so far. I don't really expect anyone to understand nor do people's opinions matter unless they have been in my shoes. I have this "son" who already has a mother and my husband is his father. I want to feel what my husband feels towards him, but because he isn't my son I just don't. I know that will never change but I am constantly at odds with myself when he is around. Part of me feels like giving up most of the time, and the other part of me is mad at the way I am feeling. It is....hands down....the hardest thing I have ever done.
Because of that situation I think am stand-off-ish about having a boy. I am already the only girl in our house (dog included) and I just think it would be neat to have a girl running around here.
After thinking and really trying to understand what my fears are about having a boy, I realized that I was just overthinking the situation. Having a child of my own is going to be very different in so many ways. I will be able to share the love of something with my husband and I think that will make all of the difference in the world. Having a boy or girl doesn't really matter because It will be part me and part Jeremy and everything about it will be much different.
If only I didn't have to wait over 4 weeks to find out!!
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Boy or girl it wont matter because the moment you hold that baby you will be so in love you wont even be able to speak. I had my hopes up with Connor that he might be a girl because of how emotional I felt compared to when I was Pregnant with Nate and I found my self suffering with disappointment the day we found out. If I could have known the what a joy he is to my life I never would have burdened my self with that for even a moment. As far as your step son I encourage you to search for his good qualities that all children possess and concentrate on those to start building a relationship. Your step son will feed off of that. You also want there to be love between the siblings, and only the parents can show them what that means. It may not look like it but that boy wants to love you because his father loves you he just might be dealing with jealousy a emotion children don't know how to handle easily, so keep trying.
ReplyDeleteThanks cousin! I work on our relationship all of the time, it is just something that is what it is.. It's hard to really explain. But, I don't really want that to be the focus of the blog...Just keepin it real :)
ReplyDeleteHey Jessi - It will almost definitely get better with your step-son! It has to be intense! I know you well enough to know that you are amazing with him! And it is true - it will be different with your own. I will be praying that God will continue to grow your love and understanding for how to deal with the situation with your step-son though. HE is incredible to give us abilities that are beyond our understanding! I have to say that having a son is incredible! And a lot less dramatic than the little girlies most of the time! hehe Both are so rewarding in their own ways!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am ready for either one...
ReplyDeleteI just wish I knew already ;)